Jimmy Thompson was stationed overseas in the middle of a hot desert when his wife went into labor back home. He was busy dealing with sandstorms and listening to his sergeant complain about socks for what felt like the fifth time that morning.
The next day, Jimmy received a message over the military radio.
“Private Thompson! Message from home! Your wife gave birth last night!”
Jimmy dropped his powdered eggs and rushed to the communications tent. He grabbed the phone and called home, his heart pounding.
His wife answered, sounding tired but happy.
“Jimmy! You’re a father! Twins! A boy and a girl!”
Jimmy nearly dropped the phone.
“Twins?! TWINS?! That’s incredible! I don’t even know what to say. How did that happen?”
There was a long pause.
“Well…” his wife said gently, “you were gone for nine months.”
Jimmy’s eyes widened.
“I know! That’s what’s worrying me!”
She laughed.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Jimmy! Remember the leave you had right before you shipped out?”
Jimmy paused.
“Oh… right. Phew!”
He wiped his forehead with a napkin, then realized he was actually holding a sock. His sergeant would have been proud—or horrified.
His wife continued, “The babies are healthy and adorable. My brother even helped name them.”
Jimmy blinked.
“Your brother named my children?”
“Yes! I was a little groggy from the medicine and didn’t want to wait until you could call. Don’t worry, he chose good names.”
“Oh no,” Jimmy muttered, gripping the phone tighter. “This is the same guy who named his cat ‘Chairman Meow.’”
His wife hesitated.
“Well… meet your new son: Orangejello.”
Jimmy went silent.
“Orange… what?”
“Orangejello. Like the dessert. Pronounced ‘Or-ahn-juh-lo.’ It sounds classy if you say it with your pinky out.”
Jimmy let out a nervous sigh.
“And the girl?”
“Her name is Lemonjello. Pronounced ‘Leh-mon-juh-lo.’”
There was a silence long enough to fight an entire battle in.
Finally, Jimmy said, “Sweetheart… promise me something.”
“Anything, Jimmy.”
“If I survive this war… I’m renaming the kids.”
Moral: Never let your brother-in-law name anything. Especially humans.